Counterclockwise
by TokugawaSmile
Summary: Minato and Kakashi go through the ups and downs of a relationship while raising Naruto. YonKaka, yaoi, slight AU, character death.


Disclaimer: I don't own Naruto.

It's hard raising a child that's not your own. It's even harder having to tell that child's father you're not in love with him anymore. Yondaime and Kakashi go through the ups and downs of a relationship during the years. Kakashi struggles with falling out of love and then the glue holding them together cracks.

Pairing: Yondaime x Kakashi, past Yondaime x Kushina, Naruto.

Another Minato and Kakashi raising Naruto? Kind of, but not quite. Give it a chance. I've read a plethora of great MinaKaka where they raise Naruto, but I kept thinking about it. It's very difficult to raise a kid, period. Raising your lover's dead wife's son has to be the hardest thing to do. And to top it off, Minato probably wouldn't be there a lot being the Hokage, leaving most of the burden on Kakashi. That can't scream functional. So this fic is born. :D I hope I conveyed what I wanted, the ending isn't the greatest I know, but please enjoy anyway.

Warnings! Yaoi, sex, a healthy dose of angst, character death. I tried to keep it in character, but who knows about that. Kakashi is sixteen when Kushina dies, and Minato is twenty-five, making this entirely AU, also meaning no Kyuubi .What? Yeah, I went there.

Okay, enough with the crazy introduction. Onto the fic!

_it's easy when it hurts so say goodbye  
>we'll fall in love again just give it time<br>it's easy when it hurts so say goodbye  
>we'll fall in love again just give it pain<em>

* * *

><p>counterclockwise<p>

or (when things fall apart)

* * *

><p><em>Four years old<em>.

Kakashi sighs when he hears the blood curdling scream coming from the living room, setting down a spatula and turning off the scrambled, slightly brown eggs.

Naruto is crying, giant tears slipping out of his eyes like little water falls. His cherubic face is covered with snot and his mouth is stretched wide in his screams. Kakashi swoops down and picks the child up, pressing him close to his chest.

This simple action seems to sooth the baby. Naruto's cries progressively ease, his sniffles coming to a close.

"What happened, Naruto?" Kakashi asks quietly, making his way back to the kitchen to find something else for breakfast. With Naruto in one arm, he pitches the eggs into the garbage.

"B-b-banged my h-hea'," was the tearful response, as if the child was afraid of Kakashi being angry at him, which will never happen. Trying to be mad at Naruto is like trying not to laugh at Pakkun's annoyed face. You can't do it. However, that was not the case for Naruto's idiot father who insisted they not throw away the sharp, glass coffee table in the living room that was entirely _not_ child friendly because it was stylish.

The Hokage didn't have to deal with accidents and booboo's, he didn't have to hear Naruto's pained wails or have his heart stop in fear at the sight of the little blonds' bleeding forehead. Minato had saddled Kakashi with the sole task of taking care of the infant while he continued his duties as head of the village, ignoring any feelings Kakashi had on the matter.

Of course, Kakashi loved Naruto the moment he laid eyes on the boy. The problem is he _isn't_ Naruto's mother or his father.

Kushina had died in childbirth, leaving behind a needy baby and a clueless husband. Kakashi was equally as clueless but he tried to help and that is where he should have stepped back.

Now, four years later, he's Naruto's babysitter and to a more annoying degree, his mother. Minato had guilt tripped him into taking care of the boy and ever since then they'd been inseparable. Wherever Naruto crawls, Kakashi is a fly on the wall, making sure no harm will ever come to his former sensei's son.

"Hush," Kakashi murmurs as he kisses the crown of sunshine blond hair, smiling into the softness. Naruto giggles, his chubby fingers coming up to swipe at Kakahshi's mask playfully.

It hurts.

He's stuck playing house with a dead woman's family, like he's some housewife instead of a shinobi, one of the village elite and the most capable of dangerous missions.

Deep down, there is a growing egg of resentment forming. Kakashi ignores it because he _loves_ Naruto and he's _happy_ with Minato, who is a good father and a doting lover.

When he's home.

It wasn't hard at first. Minato had confessed awkwardly one night while Naruto slept, to an oblivious Kakashi who could only listen in rapt attention. Minato's love was something he never thought attainable. And for him? Kakashi wanted to be loved.

So they became a family. Except it's broken and not quite right but they make it work –Kakashi makes it work and Minato tries and Naruto is the glue the keeps them together.

* * *

><p><em>Eight years old<em>.

Naruto runs down the stairs followed by two little boys, all of them laughing and jumping around and giving Kakashi nothing but a migraine. They're playing loudly as children are want to do, chasing each other around. Kakashi studies them to make sure no one gets hurt or falls or anything that would mean angry ninja parents at their front door, demanding to know what happened to their child and if _he_ had anything to do with it.

The villagers love their Yondaime, but his lover (wife)? Not so much. Kushina was welcomed with open arms, but Kakashi is treated like he doesn't exist. It's fine with him, he hates attention.

"Mama, when's lunch ready?" Naruto warbles, his friends racing outside while stays behind, swaying from side to side.

Kakashi smiles down at the boy, picking his squirming body up and walking into the kitchen. "What do you want to eat, Naruto?"

Naruto puffs out his cheeks in a brilliant grin, reaching up to hug his parent. Before he can respond, there is a crack and Minato is in front of them, smiling widely at the cute scene of his family. Not two seconds later, Naruto wiggles and cheers, Kakashi letting the blond jump onto his father.

Minato is gone at least seventy percent of the day, so it's a wonder how Naruto has such a strong bond with the Yellow Flash. But Kakashi watches the little blond with hearts in his eyes interact with his father and can't help but smile.

Kakashi is green. Green with envy that Minato has just finished assigning missions to ninja who are half as good as him but doesn't have a baby. As quickly as it surfaces, the green fades and he is just Kakashi again, calm and collected and lets Minato press questioning lips against his neck, Naruto's tiny hands playing with his hair.

* * *

><p><em>Sixteen years old. <em>

Naruto has long since stopped calling him "mommy" or "mom" or any variation of the degrading term. Kakashi has mixed feelings about it. The fact that Naruto is sixteen and noticing his family is nothing like his friends is disconcerting and a little bit scary.

Minato tells him it's okay. He never wanted to be called that, anyway right? Right? Kakashi doesn't know. He just feels different now, that he doesn't have to shadow the footsteps of a giggling, happy baby boy. Naruto still needs him; Minato reassures as they help prepare the teenager for the Chuunin Exams, Naruto will always need him.

Minato promises to step down next year, to make time for _them_. Kakashi wants to tell him it's too late. All the chances for making memories and watching _his_ son grow up has gone. Naruto is almost a man and Minato has been stuck beyond a desk most of the boy's life.

Kakashi doesn't exactly blame him as that would be selfish. Minato is the Hokage, he can't exactly choose his hours and what needs done and who needs helped. He belongs to the village before his family. The only thing that Kakashi blames him for is creating this situation. As Naruto has gotten older, he understands more about a normal family from his friends.

A mother, a father, but not a Kakashi. Minato wasn't around to explain so that left Kakashi trying, awkwardly and unsure, to get through to the child that their family was anything but functional and the origins of his birth mother.

There is a loud _crack_ from the living room. Kakashi doesn't look up from his book, hoping Minato will get the hint. Minato being Minato, he doesn't. Kakashi's shoulder's bunch when he feels rough hands kneed there, gentle and trying to ease his tension.

"Stop."

It has been exactly three years since Kakashi has even been on a mission. And that was a B rank that Kakashi thinks was really a C in disguise. His once flat stomach has lost muscle tone and definition. He knocks Minato's affection away and stands, pushing past the man.

"What's wrong?" Minato is somber, his azure eyes narrowed in confusion.

He has taken care of his lover's child better than another wife, dutifully looking after the boy and ignoring his own wants. At first, he treated it as another mission, except more permanent. Now, he looks back with resentment. Minato has unknowingly chained him to Konoha. Rather, knowingly. Kakashi has no doubt the blond would have done the same with Kushina.

"Nothing."

"Don't give me that –"

The bedroom door slams in Minato's face.

Minato growls low in his throat and makes the seals for his infamous teleportation jutsu that he, in Kakashi's opinion, overuses. Kakashi has his shirt off when he feels the temperature drop, Minato poofing into the room, a hair's breath away from him. Before Kakashi's mind can form a logical strategy, strong hands wrap around his wrists and bring their bodies together.

Minato's mouth is over his, having ripped off Kakashi's mask. His tongue is hot and demanding as it probes his mouth, delving and pressing and being his pushy self. Kakashi doesn't want this but he lets himself be thrown onto their too big bed and spread out anyway, almost mechanically.

"Let me in," Minato hisses, pressing scorching kisses all over Kakashi's exposed stomach, demanding attention. He grunts in reply, refusing eye contact the blond is annoyingly determined to make. Long, elegant fingers scrape along his sides until they reach his pants, deftly pulling them off and away like trash. Kakashi feels beyond vulnerable, though he has been naked in front of Minato for years. Except now, he's not as toned. Now, he's muscular but thinner, slender and could almost be taken as a feminine build from the outside looking in. The thought makes him physically ill.

Minato doesn't seem to mind, his hot mouth wastes no time in sucking his erection down his throat, holding onto his hips and going to work. Kakashi's body is no stranger to lust and he can only be so inhuman. His back arches off the bed and toward the heat wrapped around his cock, nails biting into his closed palms. There is white noise that doesn't register, but then, there are fingers stretching him open, slick and ready. The added stimulation is enough to throw him into orgasm. He blearily looks down and caches Minato licking his lips, still in his clothes.

It's rushed and a little painful, but a great distraction. Kakashi moans as Minato thrusts, lacing their hands and placing them beside Kakashi's splayed out, silver hair littering the pillow.

There is a prominent difference between love and sex, so Kakashi can let himself enjoy it without giving in to Minato's probing questions, his unwanted, worried concern. Kakashi opens his legs wider and lifts to wrap them around the other man's continuously moving hips.

His prostate is mercilessly abused, Minato knowing his body better than his own, and they both come together in a tangle of limbs.

Minato smiles lasciviously against Kakashi's ribs, tracing nonsensical patterns there and chuckling. Winning fights for Minato is only about seduction and the art of forgetting, nothing about getting to the real issue.

Kakashi glares at a crown of messy, ridiculously blond hair that's beginning to irritate him.

This is what happens between them. Nothing is resolved and nothing is brought to the surface for relief. Kakashi will simmer and bury himself deeper into a pit of anger until he either blows up or just lets it go. But he never 'let's go'. He will always remember.

Their personalities will never mesh.

* * *

><p><em>Eighteen years old<em>.

At eighteen, Naruto is ready to go on his first solo mission as an ANBU. Kakashi is nothing but nervous as he watches the boy root through his room, deciding what to bring with him. It took a lot of convincing for Minato to even think of letting him do this, mostly on Kakashi's part and after weeks of Naruto's anger, pouting, and generally making Kakashi's life miserable, the Hokage gave in.

Kakashi refuses to let Minato keep his son caged as he has his lover.

The youngest Namikaze is going to be gone for at least a month and he is beaming with pride, taking more time talking Kakashi's ears off about his mission than focusing on it.

He's sitting on the sofa, listening to Naruto amusedly, watching hands make motions in excitement and eyes brighten and a smile he loves more than anything. He will miss this child, a lot more than he even realizes. A month isn't really a long time in the scheme of things, but with no friends and a lover that has no time to spare, Kakashi will be aching by the time the blond stumbles his way home.

The front door creaks open, and they both look up in surprise. It's early yet, but there is Minato's shock of blond hair peaking through.

Naruto tenses next to Kakashi, which is hardly unnoticed. Minato looks stressed and tired and nothing out of the usual for a split second, before he paints a smile across his face, grinning good-naturedly.

Kakashi knows Naruto's returning gin is fake fake fake. It has been for two odd years, when Naruto realized that his father was too important to stay home and raise him. Kakashi's mismatched eyes rove over Minato's tall frame, noting there is no longer a glow about the man. At forty three, Minato is still beautiful but it's dimmed. Years of hard work and dedication has shaped Minato's delicate, unblemished skin, tanned and gorgeous into a paler shade of porcelain. Kakashi doesn't remember when he began to notice.

"I'll be in my room until dinner," Naruto murmurs before bolting up the steps. He's tall and gangly, all limbs and no fat, and stumbles a few times in his haste. Kakashi laughs quietly at Minato's puzzled expression while he shucks off his white coat.

"What's wrong with him? I let him go on the mission, what more does he want?" Minato grumbles, stalking over to the silver haired man amused on the sofa, and sprawling out. Kakashi doesn't know what to feel when he's pulled onto Minato's lap, soft, tender lips caressing his neck.

Kakashi braces himself and shrugs. "Talk to him later."

"Mm," Minato garbles, laying them both down so he can latch onto Kakashi's body like a parasite.

It feels wrong and Kakashi doesn't want to be burrowed into Minato like they're two lost souls coming together to be whole again. It's like spiders are crawling under his skin.

This when it hits him.

This is when he realizes. He blinks gray and red eyes, breathing against the Yondaime's collar bone in depressing realization.

Really, it shouldn't have taken him this long to ascertain his feelings. Kakashi has always been good at digging underneath the underneath. Denial is hard.

Denying you've fallen out of love with someone is even harder.

He wonders when he first started shying away from Minato's touch or kiss, when he found himself dreading the man coming home or, god forbid, afraid of sex. He pretends because of Naruto but he knows now, why. There are no tears, just emptiness.

Minato says, "I love you," unfailingly into his ear like so many times before.

Kakashi doesn't say anything.

* * *

><p><em>At eighteen years old<em>, Namikaze Naruto is dead. His face is painted into a soft smile, blue eyes as stormy as the ocean now closed, and Kakashi will never see them crinkle in laughter again. There are three bloody whisker marks on Naruto's unblemished cheeks, on each side, dirt clinging to the freshly cut edges. Kakashi throws up the first time he sees his body, practically ripped apart and mangled from kunai and a shuriken stuck in the boy's rib cage that no one has bothered to remove. Minato is no better off, pale and sickly as he bravely looks over his son's cold body, taking in all the damage with an open mouth and horrified eyes.

Villagers come and go, bringing with them their condolences for the Hokage and ignoring Kakashi. Kakashi, who raised the child from his birth as his own, who gave up a life with anyone else for the boy, who suffers and suffers and can't show it because he's technically _nothing_ to Naruto. He is neither his mother, nor his father and thus he is not acknowledged. First, it was for being Sakumo's son, and now it's for being the Yondaime's whore.

He sobs in a bedroom that has been too big and too lonely for years. His face hidden in his knees instead of behind a mask, he lets out anguished cries that no one has ever heard.

Naruto's room has been left untouched. Neither he nor Minato go in, knowing the pain it will cause. He doubts they ever will. All of the boy's possessions will undoubtedly collect dust from misuse.

Kakashi's body shakes with his emotion, quaking like there are little, hideous earthquakes under his skin. His baby is gone. Naruto will never come and jump on him after his guard shift is over, bigger now than Kakashi and wrap his arms and legs around his parent in a fit of giggles, because Kakashi will struggle and growl, but deep down he loves it.

A snap and Minato is _there_, looking forlorn and defeated. He perks up at the sight Kakashi makes, huddled in on himself in agony. It's only been a week since the tracking nin's found the body, and it's still so fresh and raw and painful. Everything festers like a wound, in both of them. Minato has taken the loss better, if only just. He's as calm and collected as he has always been, but now he looks much older. There are dark rings around the much loved blue eyes, frown lines already finding a home on Minato's beautiful face.

"Kakashi," Minato starts. He doesn't continue. There's no need, what would he say? What could he say?

Kakashi shakes his head and rubs a bare arm across his eyes, scrubbing away the evidence until the skin is puffy and raw. He gets up with creaky bones and pads to their bathroom, letting the door slam in Minato's concerned face.

A sob claws up his throat as he slides down to the floor, letting his feet sprawl out. Just the sight of his former sensei makes something burn in the pit of his stomach. He knows what it is. There is no bubbly laughter or tiny hands distracting the feeling from growing now, no bright smiles and family dinners filled with chatter on both ends. Kakashi places a hand where his heart used to be and breathes deeply.

The love that once filled his being is gone, replaced with resentment and pain and _every time he looks at him he sees his little boy and it _hurts.

"I love you," Minato whispers against the door. If he really wants to get in, he can. There are no wards or protective jutsus. He, instead, respects Kakashi's unspoken wishes and molds himself against the bathroom door. "We'll get through this together, please come out."

His soft voice sounds broken, defeated and a touch desperate. He hasn't blamed Kakashi, even though he was the one to encourage the boy.

Kakashi is sick all over and braces himself, his lunch coming up in waves on himself and the previously clean, tiled floor. There is most certainly nothing left in his stomach when he's finished, heaving and coughing.

"I have to get out of here," is his stuttered response.

Minato meekly says, "what?"

Kakashi doesn't respond, swiftly sitting up, ignoring the sick still clinging to him, and disappears from the house in a cloud of smoke.

He doesn't have the heart to say it.

_I don't love you anymore_.

It hasn't been there for years. And Kakashi, despite popular belief, knows what love feels like. He was head over heels for his former sensei. When Naruto had been a child, there was love. Minato would press himself against Kakashi's back, humming contently after a long, long day and spreading butterfly wing fluttering kisses on skin that tingled in response. Kakashi loves those moments and still treasures their memory, can feel the heat of those once firm, pink lips.

However, sometimes, most times, love is not enough or its memory. He's spent all of his life taking care and training a child, forsaking his own desires to continue his career as one of the elite of Konoha. As much as he wants to, he can't blame it entirely on Minato. He was not exactly _forced_ into loving the man or the child he came with. It came easy, at first.

He feels alive as he jumps from branch to branch, the coolness of the air caressing his exposed skin like a lover. It's humid but not unbearable, just right on his clammy, pale skin.

It's cowardice allowing his body to float through the forest, but to go back is to remember and Kakashi is done.

He doesn't want broken blue eyes staring at him pitifully, or soft reassurances that their love will hold because it won't and it's not there and it hasn't been for a long time. Kakashi will always respect his former sensei, will always cherish the memories, but to go back to that house that Naruto grew up in and _not_ imagine a bubbly baby, just like yesterday, is impossible.

So Kakashi smiles numbly, grim and dead like his heart, and moves on.


End file.
